On April 9, 1999, I
had penned these words, ““I wish I could be more […] effervescent (lively). I
feel dead without being physically killed. I hope I don’t die emotionally, but
I am dying. If I could only find that zest, that greatness life is supposed to
hold. But where is it, at least in me?”
Though I had been already battling depression for over five years at
that point, that month was one of the lowest for me. I had few, if any, friends, and I felt those
closest to me could not relate with the emotional anguish and sickness that I
was going through. School was very stressful
for me, as I endured a difficult class with an even more difficult teacher, who
was verbally abusive to me and others.
Thankfully, God, in His mercy and grace, met me where I was at, a little
over a year later, and did not allow me to give up on myself or on life.
I continued struggling through depression through my college
years, and even still struggle occasionally now. However, I can attest that
things have been much better now than they were that April day, twenty years
ago! In the deep darkness of my battle,
I have learned so much that has enabled me to help encourage others who may
feel that they are in the deep pit of despair and hopelessness and who are
close to the end of their ropes. Here
are some of the lessons that I learned along this journey from the darkness to
the light:
Never
give up! There is always hope when you are alive. Always! —I have wanted
to give up more times than I could count, but God, in His sovereignty and love,
never let me get that far. I remember
having symptoms of depression since I was ten years old. When you are battling something that seems
chronic or suffering for a long time, it is very tempting to give up on life
and on God. However, perseverance is always worth it in the end. For instance, when I was the most depressed,
I thought no one would understand or even care about what I was going through.
I hid the pain and the fears of having been bullied and rejected by some peers
when I was growing up, and thought if I just tried to forget about it, the pain
would eventually go away. However, when it manifested in increasing discouragement
and an insatiable hunger for the desire to be accepted and love, and deep
despair when my desires were not met, I thought more and more about ending my
life. Thankfully, God eventually took a
hold of my life, and I began to see the purpose of my life. I also began to be
increasingly motivated to spread God’s love to others. Never would have thought then, that I would
be surrounded by so many loving and supportive family and friends that I have
today. I am truly blessed. Had I taken
my own life then, I would have never saw the light God had prepared for me
today.
Be
compassionate and caring to those who are in pain, either and both physical and emotional. —I wish the people in my
life now were there when I was struggling to see my value in this world and if
there was any hope left in my life. I
find that when I am able and willing to even speak a word of encouragement to
those who are stressed out at work, that their countenance begins to spark and
brings them hope. When you see someone visibly upset and in pain, never stare
judgmentally at them, but try to comfort them and offer them words of
encouragement. Nothing irritates me more
than those judgmental, cold stares and comments from people when I am upset! I’m
sure that upsets others in pain as well. When you take the time to care for and
encourage those in pain, you bring them the hope and love that they have needed
all along. Yes, sometimes caring for people is hard work, but you can possibly
save a life when you take the time and effort for them. It is also so worth it!
I learned
that there was a purpose to my pain. — I have to admit—I have an
intense phobia of suffering. Not only do I hate when I suffer, but I also
detest when my loved ones and friends have to suffer as well. However, when I am able to see the big
picture of why God allowed me to go through the struggles and battles of
depression and anxiety, I see that He was shaping my purpose to be able to help
others who needed hope as well. Had I
not struggled with depression, I would not be able to relate to, on more than a
superficial level, with the intense struggles that the people around me have
had to go through. This truth is also emphasized in 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (KJV),
where it says, “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able
to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves
are comforted of God.” So, when we go through trials, God will comfort us, both
so we can endure the trial successfully, and for us to be able to then comfort
others.
So, as I continue to apply and review the
lessons that I learned in the dark and afterwards, I taste and see that the
Lord is good. Because God did not allow
me to give up, I am able to see the bountiful blessings that He has given me,
the opportunities He has given me to care for others who are in need of hope,
and I learned that I have a calling in life that required me to go through some
pain in order to be able to fulfill it.
Do you feel aimless or in despair?
There is purpose to your life, and God can use you to help others in
their pain if you don’t give up. There
is always hope when you are alive— and my journey to the Light is a testament
to that fact!
As some of you may know, I am in the process of writing a
memoir about things that I have had to overcome to be who I am now. One of the toughest parts to write so far has
been a period in my life where I couldn’t see the light at the end of the
tunnel, and when I felt like I had little hope or future in my life. Those were
my middle school years—when I was about 12-14 years old. Sometimes, I wish I knew all that I know now,
back then, so that I wouldn’t have been so miserable and hopeless. However, if I didn’t go through what I did
back then, I would have never become the person I am today either. If I could go back and mentor my middle
school self, this is what I would advise her:
God will always bring good out of suffering.–If I knew that all the pain, heartache, and hopelessness that I felt when I was in middle (J.R. high school) school was going to amount to something even half-good, I would have not felt as miserable as I did. The fact is because of the bullying and the pain I experienced in middle school, I am better equipped to help others who are struggling similarly. Because God and others helped me overcome the pain I endured before, my story can give others hope that, they, too can reach the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. In fact, if you are struggling right now, or have struggled, and you don’t know if these challenges are going to add up to anything good, know that your story can one day give others who are struggling, hope, if you don’t give up now. Many times during that dark period in my life I wanted to commit suicide, but God, in His sovereign wisdom did not allow me. Thank God He didn’t, or else I wouldn’t be here sharing this!
If people don’t accept you for you, don’t try to please them or let them rent space in your life.—In middle school, I struggled to gain the acceptance and the close friendship of my peers. All in all, though I may have appeared happy, I was really dying inside. I tried to learn from them sometimes in an attempt to mimic their behaviors, so I would be more “acceptable,” but it never seemed like it was enough. The same people I wanted to impress probably saw through me, and, in the end, I was still in the same spot I was in the first place—lonely and unacceptable to my peers. Now, I have learned that if people want me to change things that are part of how God made me, like how I look on the outside (like my ethnicity), or don’t want to accept that I am an INFJ on the spectrum, that I should not put stock in trying to please them. In fact, I have had to let go of several people in the past ten years that haven’t really accepted me for who God made me to be. It really is better to be hated for who you are, then “loved” for who you are not, as people will find out the Real You anyway. Be authentic to yourself and others.
Grades aren’t everything.—I was so fixated on grades, that when I did poorly, I was deathly afraid that I would make my dad livid and more so, that I would flunk out of school. Even though I tried my best to do well in school, and had decent grades, they had absolutely ZERO impact on helping me find the job I have now! Some teachers may say to a student who is struggling that if they don’t improve, they will end up working at “McDonalds.” What these teachers don’t understand is that one could make decent grades and graduate from a half-way decent college, and STILL work at McDonalds! Also, someone could graduate with a “C” average in school, but end up making millions of dollars in acting or even starting their own business if they know what they are doing. I would still advise my middle school self to work diligently in school, but not get too anxious if I failed one test!
Having convictions and drive will make you more successful in life than if you are just “getting by.”—Although I worked hard in school, I only did so to make my parents happy and for fear of failure. However, I have discovered in the past few years that my attitude back then is similar to how many people view their jobs, as just a way to “get by”. Yes, we should make sure we are making enough money in our jobs to make ends meet, but it shouldn’t be about just that. Although I don’t make even close to a million dollars a year at my job, I still strive to go above and beyond and do the best I can every single day. Why? Because I want to glorify God and show people that working diligently can be a more satisfying and enriching learning experience if you approach your job as a calling, and not only to make money. Because I am convinced God has placed me in my job to impact a certain group of people for a reason, I am more motivated to do my best, even when I may not get a raise for years. If I approached my school as a calling, rather than just trying to gain the acceptance of love of people who were already set in their opinion of me, I think I would have been a lot happier.
I am convinced that if I had learned these lessons in middle
school, I would not have struggled as much back then. However, I am glad that I
did eventually learn these lessons, though, sometimes, like other things I have
learned, sometimes I need to go back and review them. I am glad for these lessons, because without
them, I would have never grown into the person I am today. And I am glad for the God that helped me
learn them!
God's Whisperings 