Growing up, I seemed this bubbly, albeit, times, hyperactive little girl who got decent grades at school. I seemed to have it all—two parents who loved me, a cute little brother, and stability.
What they didn’t know was that inside I was being tormented by thoughts about never being “good enough” to the outside world. Unfortunately, many of them confirmed my fears. Most of my peers didn’t want to know me on a level deeper than “acquaintance”. I was bullied by several of them for any quirks that they saw in me. There also were some racial and cultural prejudices that I had to endure.
I remember at the tender age of ten when the word “suicide” first entered the recesses of my mind. The demons in my mind deceived me into thinking this was a way out of all the pain I held inside for so long, laughing that they were going to somehow get me to ruin myself.
However, God in His sovereignty didn’t let that happen. I am still here, more than twenty five years later.
Though God saved my life through Jesus’ shed blood on Calvary seven years after I first battled depression and that ugly word crossed my mind, it wasn’t until about seven years ago today that God revealed to me that I had indeed another weapon in my arsenal to defeat the demons in my head that had harassed me for so long.
However, I was terrified to be vulnerable (i.e…open up) to others about my struggles. I feared rejection, ridicule and condemnation, which I believed would kill me emotionally and spiritually, if not, physically as well. In fact, in high school, I was voted “Most Paranoid” because I trusted so few people.
But through the Spirit’s promptings, I obeyed Him, and began to share my story and my struggles to others—first just to close friends, then more publicly in my blog.
The rejection and ridicule I feared receiving was few and far between. Most people instead either related to me about their own similar struggles with depression or said that they would use my story to help their loved ones who were struggling similarly.
The more I opened up about my struggles, the more I saw people around me, both online and offline, the more I realized that my story needed to be told. God, in His sovereignty, had a reason for allowing me to go through these trials. He needed to use my story to give people His hope and love that He gave me so many years ago, when He first came into my life and saved me. God saved me from more than hell—He saved me from giving up on myself and those around me that needed to hear my story, as much as I needed to hear theirs.
A recent study by Cigna found that about half, or one out of every two Americans, feels lonely. (1). In the age where everyone and everything seem more closely connected than ever, especially by the Internet and social media, this statistic is particularly alarming. Moreover, a study by the CDC, found that suicide rates are also increasing by as much as 30% over the past decade (2). In fact, during junior high through my sophomore year in high school, when I felt the loneliness, I often had suicidal ideations. Thankfully, God, in His mercy and sovereignty didn’t allow me to go through with that option.
We were all created for community. Even when Adam was
surrounded with animals, God acknowledged his need to be surrounded by at least
one other person when God said in Genesis 1:18 (KJV), “It is not good that the
man should be alone.” So, after that God created Eve from Adam’s rib. Even
Jesus, in order to fulfill the purpose which the Father had for Him, had to be
surrounded by people, at least some of the time. Believers in Christ or not, we are all
created to be with at least one other person. This doesn’t have to be in the
context of a romantic or marital relationship, but we do need some kind
of relationship with another to truly be content with our lives.
When I was growing up, I didn’t really feel connected with
my community at school and I rarely attended church. As I consequence, I
struggled on and off with loneliness throughout most of my childhood. Many people, especially the younger
generation, sadly feel the same way I did when I was growing up.
Though we are, in some ways, more connected to each other
than ever, through phenomena like globalization and the Internet, we can also
be more isolated. While we may have more
virtual connections, our face-to-face connections as a society have
suffered. Because many people may see
that their face-to-face connections are suffering, instead of confronting this
problem head on, they may be tempted to retreat into virtual reality. For instance, in my personal life, I found
that when I am stressed and/or feel lonely, I tend to isolate myself more.
One of the things that God has taught me through all that,
is not to isolate. For instance, about two weeks ago, I was so depressed I
couldn’t get out of bed to go to church!
However, later I decided I should try to go the evening Sunday school
class at church, so maybe I’d feel better.
Not only did I feel better, but some of my friends were able to help me
through what had been causing me to feel depressed in the first place! Also, when we are part of a community, there
is place for both accountability and vulnerability. (Yes, there are toxic
communities where people will not feel safe to be vulnerable or accountable. In
that case, I would find another, more genuine community, and not give up until
I found the right one.) . In a community, we can learn from one another, be
accountable, and can encourage one another. That is why, in Hebrews 11: 25,
Christians are encouraged not to forsake the assembly of believers (i.e…Don’t
neglect your local church community).
Another thing that God has been teaching me about combating
loneliness is the connection between being lonely and the temptation to forge
idols. I know several people who have
turned to idols, whether it be smoking, workaholism, alcoholism, gambling, or a
number of other life-dominating vices, because they sensed a void, or
loneliness, in their lives. One of my
pastors said that the reason that many people turn to idols because they have a
mistrust of some aspect of the character of God.
So, God has been teaching me, that In order to combat true
loneliness, I need to forsake any idols that I have used as a “filling in” for
any of my perceived feelings of loneliness.
One thing that I have realized combats both the loneliness and idolatry
is basking in God’s presence and learning about and believing His character. In my class that I attend Thursday nights at
church, when I learned about God’s steadfast love and that He would never leave
or forsake me, through Scripture, I found that I became more joyful and more
aware of His presence in my life. It goes without saying, that I no longer felt
stressed or lonely that day, in dealing with life. Also, I was surrounded by a
community of believers that were able to help and/or teach me to overcome some
of my temptations to idolatry, so I would be less likely to fall into that trap
God has also been teaching me that some people are lonely
because they feel afraid to forge connections with others, even though they may
crave it. This may be due to a number of
reasons, but one of the major reasons I found in what I have observed with
people around me, is that people don’t want to forge connections because they
are afraid of getting emotionally wounded by another person again. They have been wounded, manipulated, and/or
betrayed by so many people in their lives; they would rather risk loneliness
than be abused again. I don’t blame them for this reaction, but ultimately it
will ruin them as well. I used to be one
of these people who was afraid to be vulnerable and really connect with others,
and thus, I was constantly depressed and lonely. However, I found that when I
became vulnerable and was able to be myself that I not only became less lonely,
but I also became more confident of who I was and where I was going in
life. So, how was I able to be more
“real” and “vulnerable” with others?
First of all, I surrounded myself with people that really had my best
interests in mind and were supportive and caring, even in my darkest
times. I also strived to forgive those
who had hurt me somehow. For instance, I forgave several managers at work who I
had bitterness and anger against for a long time. Since a lot of people
respected them, I sometimes felt alone.
However, when I let go of my bitterness and start to consciously think
good things about them, not only did I not feel alone anymore, my relationships
with these managers also started to improve dramatically! Also, in order to not feel lonely for a
prolonged period of time, we must persevere in forging relationships with
others, even though it may be difficult at times. People may irritate us, be
rude to us, or treat us unkindly, but that doesn’t mean we should give up on
relationships completely. Also, God may
want us to learn something, even if it is how not to be, from these rude or irritating people.
We were not created to be alone. That is why children and
adults who are isolated from others for a long period of time, may have
irrevocable damage and trauma from that experience. However, when we experience
true unity among one another, we can find love, joy, fulfillment, and community
in our lives that gives us purpose and hope for this hurting, broken world.
The s-word. It carries more judgment, stigma, and
heartache than any other word in the English language. Yet it affects more people than we care to
realize or notice, but we dare not talk about it. According to the National Institute of Mental
Health in the U.S, in 2017, a whopping 9.8 million people have had serious
thoughts about wanting to commit suicide.
I can relate to those 9.8 million people. Having struggled with depression for over half a century, I have had those same thoughts of suicide. However, because of Jesus, He has pulled me through every one of those episodes and has never given up on me. Additionally, Jesus has provided me with a great support system that will listen to and help me through whenever I feel this way, without judgment or condemnation.
Unfortunately, not everyone struggling right now has an
adequate or a good support system. The good news is that, we can strive to be a
support to at least some of those around us who are struggling right now. The
good news is that if you are struggling right now, there are resources and
people who want to encourage you and give you the hope and encouragement I got
through Jesus and my support system as well.
I would also like to share some things that my support of family and
friends have collectively taught and reiterated to me over the years when I
feel like life is just too much:
You are a survivor!
Like me, you may have encountered people that have betrayed
and abused you. But, then, Jesus will
give you strength to survive them or He will take them out of your life. Keep on fighting!
Like me, you may feel that your efforts to succeed in life
are never enough, and that you always fall short. Don’t worry. Jesus will provide the strength
you need to truly succeed—maybe not as the rest of the world sees “success,”
but more importantly, how He sees
success. Keep on fighting!
Like me, you may feel sometimes that no one truly cares for
you, or really knows you. But, then,
Jesus brings people into your life that will prove you wrong. So, keep on fighting!
Like me, you may feel disconnected from society or that you
don’t belong anywhere. Then, Jesus will
provide His Church and/or those around you to remind you that you do impact
their live and that you do share a part of their heart. Keep on fighting!
Whatever you are going through and wherever you are in life, don’t give up! I
almost did, but I am glad that Jesus didn’t allow me to end it all, because I
never would have known the blessing of redemption and love!
For over 25 years, I have gone in and out of the throes of
depression. During my worst episodes, I seriously considered ending my life.
Thankfully, every time I wanted to give up, God rescued me out of the pit of
despair and helped me see His love and light. Even though I would have
preferred to not go through the darkness for so long, and though I had wanted
to give up so many times, I am thankful that God taught me so many valuable
life lessons that I now strive to apply to my life:
One lesson I learned from going through depressive episodes
is to be more open and genuine with others in expressing my true self. In the
past, I was so afraid of what people would think of me, that I never told
anyone for a long time about my struggles, past and present. Unfortunately, I
got so used to hiding that when I finally decided needed help with my issues,
some people thought I really didn’t have those issues! However, the longer I
struggled, the more apparent it became to me that I needed to talk to someone about my issues, and more than
likely, several people.
Then, I started to talk. I began opening up the layers of my
pain in my past. What I realized is that many of the people I opened up to
struggled with similar issues! Also, I didn’t get most of the judgment or
condemnation I had feared, and those that judged me were often the same ones
that God would later remove from my life anyway. When I started opening up and
being vulnerable with others, not only did I forge stronger bonds with those
around me, but I found that the pain I went through in my depression lessened,
as I started to heal.
Another lesson I learned from going through depression is to
be value my time– especially the good, depression-free times– more. When I am
depressed, I can only see the wounds and ugliness of myself and life. I feel
like I am in a long, dark tunnel with no end to it. However, when I am content
with life and glance back at (but not dwell) on my depressive episodes, I
realize how blessed I am! Reflecting back causes me to value and appreciate the
good times more, because I see how far God has brought me from the darkness of
the worst of my depressive episodes.
The most pertinent lesson that God has taught me from going
through depression, in my mind, is that He had a purpose and a plan for
allowing me to walk in the dark for so long. I have learned that God has been
using my struggle with depression, and the past hurts that had exacerbated my
depression, to help me minister to others with similar or even more complex issues
than I ever had! He has also used my
struggle with depression to help me be more compassionate and caring towards
others in pain, and in order to strengthen my character by tearing down the
layers of selfishness and self-righteousness in my heart.
If anyone is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts right now, know that God has a good purpose for all you have been through. We may never know what it is this side of the world, but God never wastes our pain. Let this be our hope to never give up no matter what life brings us.
(August 2019, as of this writing) has been a busy and stressful month, but I am
grateful for all God has done in my life during this time. Right now, we are in the process of
remodeling our countertops, since ours was outdated. We had waited for a month
to get it done. During that time, my family and I were tempted to question if
it would ever get done. We had to take out the kitchen sink, so we had to walk
to the laundry room sink to cook or even wash our hands. Everything in the drawers and cabinets also
had to be taken out.
Right now, I hear the workers coming in and out of our house
to set the VERY heavy countertops in our kitchen. Thankfully, the weather is nice, and not
excessively hot or cool, so opening the door outside is not a problem. Also,
the workers would not get too exhausted, since it is not excessively humid or
Not only in the matter of the countertops, but also in other
areas of my life, God has been working to show me that He is always good, even
when we, or our circumstances, are not.
I learned that:
God puts trials in our lives to grow us.
God always provides for our needs.
God always works things out for the good of
those who love Him (Romans 8:28)
First of all, God puts trials in our lives to grow us. I will be one of the first to admit; I have
an aversion to trials, mostly because of anxiety and fear that things may turn
out disastrous once I’m in the trial.
However, thinking about some of the trials that I have been in
throughout my life, even this month, I have seen that most of them have helped
me grow in my character and trust of God.
For instance, this week I worked at another location than the place I
normally work. Because I have a tendency
to get lost in place where I’m not familiar, I had someone drive me. However,
their car overheated on the way there.
Immediately in our minds, we were understandably (my co-worker more than
me) stressed out and I even was thinking that I may not be able to get to the
location at all! However, I tried to stay calm, while my co-worker asked for
help. Eventually, we were able to get to
the location we were supposed to be working at after that. Moreover, God provided someone else to drive
me back to my regular workplace safely, and a friend to take my coworker to get
his car towed and repaired. Through this
little trial, God taught me to trust Him to provide for me, and that I didn’t have
to panic or get anxious during a trial.
Sometimes, I have even found that God allows trials in our lives to
prepare us for the future. For instance, the experience with not having a
kitchen sink for a month, and even working in another location, may be
preparing me for something in my future or even to grow more versatile
Second of all, I learned that God always provides for our
needs. Even when we didn’t have a kitchen sink, God provided the laundry room
sink so that we could wash our dishes, our hands, and cook (to get the
water). When I worked in the other
location, I learned to be grateful that I am working where I am at now, and not
to gripe about it, even if others around me may be. I learned that where I’m working at now is
really a decent place to work and is the right place for my personality, my
giftedness, and the season of life I’m in right now, despite people around me
quitting or encouraging me to quit. When
God provided a job for me at my current workplace location (On how I got my
current job, click here.), He knew what He was doing, and His plan was good and
perfect for me!
Finally, God always works things out for the good of those
who love Him. Last week, I was a little
bit concerned about having to work the whole department by myself this past
Monday and Tuesday. God knew I would be
overwhelmed if I had to work those days in my normal location. So, an hour after
I was clocked in on Monday and started doing freight, one of my managers asked,
“Patricia, would you like to work at [name of other location]?
I said, “ I can’t drive far distances in locations I am not
familiar with. First of all, I don’t
have GPS. I also get lost really easily when I have to drive to places where
I’m not familiar with, but if there is someone that could drive me there and
back, I could.”
My manager replied, “if [name of a co-worker] is willing to
drive you, would you come?”
I replied, “Sure.”
So, I ended up working at the other location on Monday. After I came back to my normal workplace
location, one of my higher up managers wanted me to work at that same location
I was in Monday, and I agreed. My
anxiety over having to work the entire area by myself on Monday, and especially
Tuesday, melted away, because I didn’t really have to work the department at
all! Moreover, there were not too many
customers those days, so the area wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be when I
came back to work in my regular location on Wednesday with my co-worker Todd*.
This sure has been a busy and hectic week, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything, because God has taught me so much. Though I knew intellectually that God is good, now I can see God’s hand and His goodness more clearly in my life. May you see the goodness of God in your life as well!
*=name has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual mentioned.