–Reflections on life and the aftermath of the Uvalde tragedy
by: Patricia A. Go written: May 25, 2022
I can see the world around me sinking. Two years ago, COVID-19 was born, which crippled operations of the entire world. Many millions of people perished from the virus; many more got sick. There is the ongoing war in Ukraine, where many people are being slaughtered and are suffering because of the anger and hatred around them. Inflation here in the States has been at 40-year high, making everything from gasoline to our daily bread becoming more expensive than ever. Then, just yesterday, an 18-year old gunman opened fire in Uvalde, Texas, shooting 19 people, including his own grandmother and several elementary school students, for who knows what reason.
I was not made aware of the Uvalde tragedy until I came home from work last night. What I feel now is numbness, shock and disbelief. How can this tragedy keep on happening? How long will it be until something changes? Yes, I agree with people who say we need to change governmental policies, especially with certain people having access to guns that shouldn’t. However, even if we change policies and enact stricter laws, I am convinced that evil will continue to rear its ugly head in other, but equally tragic ways.
I sense God saying to us as a society: It’s time.
It’s time to stop chasing after the temporal in life like money, material possessions and notoriety or fame.
It’s time to hold our loved ones close, treasure the time that God has given us, and look to the things of eternity that will never fade, be stolen, or rot away.
It’s time to teach children how to love and be loved in the most biblical, selfless way possible.
It’s time to seek God’s will and ways.
It’s time to care for those who are on the brink of suicide or desperation. Engage with them. Encourage them and be there for all those who are suffering. Don’t add stigma by giving moral labels to people’s feelings and thoughts in self-righteous condemnation or judgment.
It’s time not just to enact change in governmental policy, but also bring hope and show Christlike love to those around us, which will enable the Spirit to change hearts, which will initiate a true, lasting change in behavior and temperament.
It’s time for us to forgive our enemies, and to make peace with all those around us.
It’s time to not live in fear but to live with a sense of urgency, joy and fulfillment.
Time continues to tick, and we do not know how much of it we have left. I believe God is urging us to wake up. WAKE UP! God is telling me—telling us— to not be complacent with life and to make as much positive difference as we can.
Wake up and live each day as if it were your last, because one day it will be. Either you will regret how you lived your life for eternity or it can be a day of rejoicing and fulfillment of your God-given purpose!
Despite it being a sunny and pleasant day, weather-wise, I had no motivation left to do anything. I felt ashamed, useless, angry, and powerless. Much of who I identified with was tied to my job. I was one of the top performers there, and since my job and seemingly everything that went with it was taken away from me, I was devastated. Most of my friends were tied up either at work or being swept through with the daily stressors of their lives. Besides, I no longer wanted to add burdens to them by relating *my* stresses.
I planned to take the books, magazines and DVDs my parents and I had borrowed and return them to the library, and then go to my church as a last ditch effort to get the emotional care I so desperately needed at the time. It was around three-thirty in the afternoon. I did not think anyone was in there, since most of the staff I thought already went home during this time.
I thought to myself that if that didn’t work, then I was going to have to find some way to end it all. I did not really have any specific exit plan, but I knew if I didn’t get help, this Monster inside me was going to take over and destroy me forever.
I tried to open the front door, that led to the church sanctuary, where services were held. Of course, that was locked, since there was no service at that time of day. However, I saw several cars parked in front of the church office.
“Good,” I thought to myself. ” Maybe someone is there.”
I tried to open the door to the church office. It was unlocked. I walked quickly to the church foyer where people usually ate and congregated before services. I saw a man. Immediately, I felt a heavy spirit pressing upon me, as I wept from utter relief and overwhelm.
“I need to talk to a pastor.” I told him, in desperation. Then, the man quickly notified a couple of my pastors that I was there and needed support.
After that, the assistant pastor Ted* and the youth director, A.J came out. They immediately sensed something was wrong with me. All the overwhelming feelings and past experiences that were attached to my depression, spilled in words of desperation out of my mouth. I had expected to be condemned or ridiculed, or just brushed aside. Ted and A. J did neither of those. Instead, they listened patiently and encouraged me, as I dealt with my feelings of shame, anger and hurt that I tried to bury for many months before. A.J invited me to volunteer at church the next day to clean and organize some things in it, and he prayed for my healing and strength to get through this tough time. The teens in the church were also planning to volunteer. I felt a sense of relief and hope that I was finally heard and that I was not rejected by them. I knew God had brought them there at that time to save my life!
The next day, I went to volunteer at church. I almost felt like I was working again. I was energized and felt better about myself and the world around me. What I did not know, is that God would be working again through the speaker in the evening service, later that day.
It was around 5:45 in the evening, and the wind was fairly strong, but not overly so. I was sitting outside on the church steps leading to the sanctuary waiting for the church to be opened, so I could go inside and eat my dinner, which I had stored in the church’s refrigerator.
Then, suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see a car pull up by the church office. “Good!” I thought. ” Maybe that’s A. J and he will be able to open the door for me.”
It turned out to be the missionary, Tim Bundy, who was going to be a guest speaker at the church that evening! I told him that my name was Patricia and that I was a member of the church.
Then, later the children’s ministry director, Sara, * opened the door for me and I was able to eat my dinner.
I was still feeling a little depressed and lonely as I waited for service to start. However, I was still a lot better than I was the previous afternoon before I went to the church.
Bundy talked about how God had led him into the ministry and how he had found his wife. However, it was when he turned to the message that I really felt God speaking to me through him that would change my mindset for the better.
He talked about how God can use anyone, even those who have disabilities or problems to accomplish His will in their lives.
He says, “There is nothing we can offer God, but the willingness to be used of Him. [God says], ‘I have called each and every one of you to be used of Me equally. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have riches, or strength, or popularity, or fame or influence; you have Me, and as I lead you, that is all you will ever need.”
Bundy also talked about the extent of God’s love, and how God does not love us less based on what we do or experience in our life. Furthermore, he talked about how God loves all kinds of people, even the drug addict or the difficult boss or family member who does not want to hear about Him, that we should look at them with the boundless grace and mercy God looked at us even before we were conceived.
I felt God speaking to me, right then, saying, “You can forgive the people that hurt you at your former job and in your past. You don’t have to be angry and bitter at them anymore. You can let them go now. You can let Me take care of them for you. You don’t have to get even. You just show them the love and grace that I showed you.”
God also said, “I still can use you even though you don’t have a job now. You still can be used of Me if you are willing to trust me that I have the best possible plan for you. You are not useless, powerless or shameful. You are Mine, and you can draw upon My strength to persevere throughout your life.”
God saved me from making a mistake that could have taken my life prematurely, through the support and care of my pastors, the message that He spoke through Tim Bundy, and the determination and joy that Tim and Jennifer have for ministering and soul winning for the people of Ethiopia. I still struggle at times, but knowing that God is on my side and will help me persevere gives me peace and strength to not give up on what God has for my life.
If you would like to support Timothy and Jennifer Bundy’s ministry, please see this link . Like me, they are trusting God to use them mightily.
*= These names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals mentioned.
I love my friend’s podcast. He has given me so much insight about life and hope for my own. One of the things I remember him saying in the podcast was how society/people in life have ingrained fear into our lives. I realize now that many of the fears that I instilled in myself and that society has instilled in me are lies from the pit of hell. They have crept into my life, wrecking havoc and paralyzing me to the point where the joy of life was sucked out from beneath me.
One of the biggest fears that I have continually struggled with is fear of failure. I fear losing my job so much that I did everything in my power to be the best at everything at my job, and when I failed, I went into a meltdown. When I did poorly in a school assignment, sometimes I would hide my bad grades from my parents, not only so that they wouldn’t get upset at me, but also because of the shame that I felt from my bad grade. I do everything in my power to be Christlike sometimes, not to glorify God, but because I am afraid of what would happen if I failed. Would I get kicked out of church? Would I ruin my testimony so much that God would not be able to use me anymore for any good in others’ lives or even my own? Even with this fear of failure, there have already been times when I have failed in each of these areas. I believe God is teaching me that even if I fail, He can still use me and my failures for my good and for His glory. Even if I do lose my job, either because I got fired or laid off for some reason, God will inevitably lead me to another one or provide another way for my needs to be met. God is teaching me that even if I try my best at work and fail, that there will be other days to make it up. Also, if I continue doing my best at work and in life, God will inevitably bless and grow me into a reflection of His image and character.
Another fear that I have struggled with for so long is fear of what others may think of me. Another word for this is “fear of man”. I have constantly tried to please others so that people would think much of me and so I wouldn’t lose their love and respect. However, when people saw my flaws, some of them proved that they didn’t really like the Real Me anyway. God has been teaching me that it is not beneficial or right for me to vie for the love of people all the time, that everyone has different expectations, and that some people are just not good confidants for me. God is also teaching me to let go of those relationships which neither the other person nor me can be built up, and to nurture those where I am more free to be myself and where I have opportunities to build the other person up.
Yet another fear I have struggled with since childhood is the fear of suffering. I have been afraid of suffering because I am afraid that I would not handle it well and that it would last, in my mind, “too long.” However, God has been reminding me that it does get better and that I need to trust Him more when I am in the midst of a trial instead of questioning His care and love for me. God also reminds me that He can help me overcome the trial and help me to be able to glorify Him through it.
When I think of being free from these fears, I feel so much exhilarating joy and hope! When I am free from my fears, I can then be completely who God made me to be, without fear of the repercussions of it, because I know He will be pleased.
Dedicated to my friend Alex, who taught me how to let go of all that holds me back and to love freely
I have found that as I go through life, I have not been able to do everything that I wanted, say everything I have wanted to my loved ones, or even see everyone I have wanted to see at certain times in my life. I had to learn to let go of these expectations and desires. In fact, my pastor said, to a mostly younger audience, something like, “Don’t wait until you’re old to let go of things. Do it now while you are still young.” He also explained that as one ages, that one has to let go of more things, until things, both literal and figurative, fall out of their grasp. The three main areas I am learning and/or have learned to let go include: a.) past hurts and offenses. b) my possessions c.) my expectations, with c , being the toughest for me to release.
When I was even a decade younger, I had the most difficult time letting go of grudges. I would hold on to internal anger for years, if I deemed the offense serious enough to merit that much wrath. Every time I would see the person or person that hurt me, I had a mixture of terror and disgust. This grudge-holding greatly impaired my ability to fully be myself even around my closest friends. I was afraid that they, too, would hurt me, like my offender did. However, about a year and a half ago, I was able to finally let go of the grudges I had against several people. I remember that my grudge against one person was so bad, that I thought of how angry and hurt I was, even in church! The anger was so intense; I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. The grudge I had against them became all-consuming. When I finally saw the light and let go of my grudge, I found that I was able to feel compassion and even love for them. I realized I didn’t want to die holding a grudge against anyone. I wish I had let go of my grudges earlier, because I would have been a much easier person to be around. I would have become less bitter and less angry. I want to be able to love freely without a barrier between anyone else and me.
I have also been learning how to let go of some of my possessions. One of my friends has had to let go of almost everything he once owned or stewarded, including things he treasured. However, in letting go of these things, he has learned that he is able to love more freely. Through him, and what he has given me, I have learned that it is truly more blessed to give than to receive! Also, over time, certain things that I have had in my possession have either broken or gotten old. I have also learned to let go of certain material possessions because I know someone else needed it more than I did. In my sophomore year of high school, I remember getting really upset because someone had stolen my yearbook with people already having signed it! I recently gave my dad my old mp3 player because he needed one for our last vacation. Although that one is better than the one I have now, I don’t have much regret because I know that mp3 player will bless my dad. Over the years, through church and my jobs, I have learned the value of generosity and sharing, and that it is not good to hold on to “stuff” too tightly. One of the congregants in my church had described the process of letting go of stuff in this analogy:
Everything we own is on a big conveyor belt—our cars, our televisions, our houses, our food, etc. We are also on the conveyor belt enjoying our stuff. The conveyor belt is moving very slowly. In fact, it is moving so slowly, you don’t even realize it’s moving. But then, at the very end of the conveyor belt is a dumpster. Everything we own is ultimately going to be put in the dumpster—to be thrown away. Then, we get off the conveyor belt. The ‘getting off’ part signifies our passing from the earth.
The last thing that I am learning to let go (and still struggle with releasing) is my expectations. I absolutely hate it when circumstances turn out worse than I expect! For instance, I expect a day at work to be easy, but then it turns out to be a really stressful one. I tend to get upset at God and everyone else when that happens. One thing that I used to get really upset about is when I expect traffic to be smooth, but it turns out to be very jammed. However, when I went to where my relatives lived, I had to deal with consistently jammed traffic almost every day I was there. This situation helped me to let go of my expectation that traffic always be smooth every time I wanted to go somewhere, and also appreciate the relatively good traffic system here! Yesterday, I expected to be able to buy a book I needed for a class/bible study I’m taking at church. However, since my pastor (who was substituting for the pastor and teacher of this class/bible study) couldn’t find the books that the teacher had ordered, I will have to wait until at least Sunday to be able to get them. At first I admit I was a bit annoyed, but I quickly was able to enjoy and learn from my pastor without really worrying about the book. I learned that sometimes I have to adjust and make the best of the situation at hand, and not get upset and complain that things should be different. I also recently learned that even through these tough situations, God is still there for me and will give me the grace to handle these situations in a godly manner.
Everyone has to let go of, at least, some things in life. Even though we may not be able to do everything we want, say everything we want to say, or even see our loved ones and friends sometimes, we still can be content in our circumstances by letting go of the expectation that we have to get what we want when we want it. In letting go, I am realizing more and more, that there is a freedom in just letting things be. What do you need to let go of today? What are some things that you struggle or have struggled with letting go? Feel free to discuss in comments.
One thing that COVID-19 has taught me, with the suddenness and the severity in which it could strike, is that we all have a limited time here on earth.
Even Pre-COVID times, I have been taught this lesson. I almost died in June 2014, because if I hadn’t gone to the ER when I did, my gall bladder would have burst. If that happened, I would not be here today!
As I have gotten older, I have realized that I have spent too much of my life angry and hurt. I had spent too much time holding grudges and arguing with people who won’t even be there for my funeral! I spent too much of my life worrying about things that would be resolved within days of the incident or things that have no eternal impact at all.
In 2020, I have observed people around me fall into similar patterns. I see people against who they voted for in the last election. Mind you, many of them are not arguing with close family members or friends who they see often, but people gone from their in-person life, or someone who they haven’t seen in twenty or so years. I’ve seen people arguing with a store employee who they probably don’t have to deal with on a daily basis anyway about rights and mask wearing. I’ve known people who have lost sleep over things that were resolved within days of the incident.
If we do things like I have observed from various people this year and like I have done when I was younger, then we are wasting our lives! No one will say on their death bed, “ I wish I had spent more time arguing with person X about “xyz”” On their death bed, no one will care about whether a particular store requires us to wear a mask or not or anything related to that. We will not be concerned with work-related stresses or, on the other hand, anything related to entertainment, such as how a favorite team is performing.
Most people will think about what they had wish they had done differently in life, whether it is how they treated people or opportunities they wish they had taken. They will want more time to make things right in their world, but at the same time, regretting that they hadn’t used the time they were given more wisely.
Don’t let that be you. Don’t waste your life!
Ask yourself when you are tempted to get in a heated debate with someone: Will that person even be in my life a year from now? Is that person even in my daily in-person life today? When I die, will the person most like be there for my funeral after I die? If the answer is “No,” disengage and walk away from the conversation.
Spend time with people who are supportive of you. Minister to those around you who you can have an impact for the positive. Smile at a person who is having a rough day, and encourage their soul. Be determined to be a peacemaker and a life saver in someone’s life today.
Ask yourself when you are worried about something: Will this even matter a year from now? Does this situation have eternal significance? If not, QUIT worrying about it! Also, remember what it says in Isaiah 26:3 (KJV), “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee,” and Romans 8:28 (KJV), “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” In other words, God will give you peace when you give your worries to Him and trust that He will bring you through the situation for our good and His glory.
When we begin to have an eternal perspective on things and live like it could be our last days on earth, not only will we most likely have more joy in our lives, but our lives will never be wasted again!
I have seen and heard a lot of vitriol recently in my social media feed regarding our government, the coronavirus response, and quarantine life in general. Although some of the vitriol has come from non-Christians, I have seen a disturbing number of professing believers also being just as vicious in their messages, and, as a follower of Christ, that makes me so upset and sad. Just to clarify, I have also seen some believers being very gracious and kind in their responses to those who disagree with them, especially my former pastor who responds with the grace and dignity that I can only hope that more people, no matter their religious affiliation, would emulate. However, here are some things that I have heard and/or witnessed myself with some of those who profess belief in Christ that have grieved me, and that believers (myself included) should make sure we never do or stop doing, if we struggle with these issues.
Not showing grace to those who disagree with them.—Years ago, before I was a true believer in Christ, I have to admit I was guilty of this. I condemned and cursed those who would even criticize my favorite musical group. Thankfully, I have grown from that, and I aim to show grace to those who disagree with my views on life. Unfortunately, I was reading one of my friend’s social media feeds (The friend is a strong believer), and their friends (also believers) seemed to be attacking one another and not showing very much grace to one another. I would be horrified to hear what non-Christians who witnessed this would think of us believers now in light of this! I would advise believers like myself to refrain from engaging in arguments or discussions if you are unable to keep from condemning or otherwise bad mouthing your opponent. This silence will keep your witness from being marred or even destroyed and from giving the enemies of the Lord occasion to blaspheme (2 Samuel 12:14).
Loving their neighbor, but hating their enemies.—Going along with the first point, we should strive to love those around us, even our enemies. I know it’s tough, and I also struggle with this. However, when we see even our enemies, as fellow image-bearers of God with real dreams and goals, we can make a new friend out of them! When I decided to humble myself before God and follow what Jesus said in Matt 5:44, which says,” Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you,” winning them over is eventually what happened in numerous situations. For instance, I had trouble getting along with one of my now-former managers. In fact, at some point, I would actually have been honest in saying I hated them! However, after God revealed to me the unnecessary bitterness and anger in my heart towards them, I eventually saw them with eyes of love and compassion. Now, I hold them close to my heart as one of my good friends.
Being prideful or self-righteous in any situation, especially when being confronted with sin in their lives.—I can usually tell if a person is a mature Christian by the way they respond to criticism and when they are confronted with their sins. For instance, when confronted with criticism over an article he linked about obeying government, my pastor did not respond with vitriol or pride. Instead, he humbly and gracefully explained his position, which caused some of the people who criticized him to examine the issue further and not get upset. However, I also had a friend who I had to confront because they had violated my boundaries more than once, and instead of humbly apologizing or respecting me, they got upset and told me I was “crazy.” Both my pastor and my friend would claim to be professing Christians, but the way each of them responded reflects how true their belief in Christ really is. Unlike what society around us may say, pride is not an attractive quality in anyone. Humility is, because it shows that you can be real with someone without playing the victim or feeling attacked.
Being one person in public, and another behind closed doors.—Believing one thing and doing another is called being a hypocrite, and being two-faced will grossly undermine any credible witness you may have. In order to combat this, strive to be transparent with others about how you are living your life. This may include sharing your struggles with at least one or two close friends, and inviting their accountability and encouragement to do better. Also, do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it. In Galatians 6:2 (KJV), it says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” I believe when this verse says to bear one another’s burdens, it also includes letting other people bear yours! Yes, I understand that trusting others is difficult sometimes, but do you trust God to do what is best for you through them? God will never let you go, and He has a good plan for you always, for a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28).
When we as a Body of believers resolve never to do these four things, we can have a major impact for the Kingdom of God! We can be the authentic, cross-bearing, Jesus loving believers we were created by God to be!
It has been said in both media and general
health circles that artificial flavoring, colors, and additives can have
harmful effects on the body. I can
attest from personal experience that artificial people can also have harmful
effects on us. What do I mean by
artificial, or “fake “ people? I do not mean that they physically do not exist
in reality or that they are worthless, but, rather that these people display
behaviors that regularly hide who they really are and their true intentions.
For instance, fake people will be “kind” to you only if you are beneficial for
them and do exactly what they want. When they realize you are a unique person
with your own dreams and desires, or when you no longer can meet their desires,
their true intentions will show.
In our society, many people tend to strive for
power and prestige of some sort, whether it be popularity, money, or some other
kind of status. This has led some to become so desperate, that they feel the
need to impress and hide their true selves. There also seems to be a
narcissistic tendency in these people and in societal culture in general.
I used to, when I was growing up, want similar
prestige, thinking if I worked hard enough and succeeded in school, I would
somehow gain the love and acceptance from others I so craved. However, when
Jesus took a hold of my life, I realized that I really wanted authentic acceptance and love, things
that only happened when God helped me open up and not fear who I was inside.
I don’t do fake.
I don’t do fake, because fakeness creates
distance and separation between people. I have a problem with people who have a
facade of never having trouble or personality deficits, because it 99.9% of the
time means they are hiding something from you, while simultaneously pretending
to be someone who they are really not. In fact, in my life, I have had to limit
contact with several people like this, because I realized my friendship with
them would no longer be sustainable if I wasn’t able to trust them. Fake- ness
separates people and creates walls between them.
One of the reasons I created this blog is to
strive everyday to live vulnerably and authentically. I have realized that if
we are open to others about our struggles, it frees others from the fear of
condemnation and judgment, and allows them to be more able to share their issues and struggles.
I don’t do fake because fake- ness impairs
one’ s ability to truly love. Because many people wear facades and become
“fake” to advance and/ or protect themselves, they become so self-focused, they can give little or
nothing to others around them. True love, by definition, is giving oneself for
the benefit of another. When we are authentic, we are more free to give of
ourselves because we are not tied down by fears of being exposed or rejected on
a basis of our lies. When I was able to be more authentic with people in my
life, I found that I became more confident in myself and my ability to give
something of value to them.
I don’t do fake because it is deceptive and
disappointing. Satan is the “Father of Lies,” and thus fakeness too. Christ was
never fake! He always told people
what He really thought and didn’t hide His true self from anyone, including His
deity! In fact, He was so authentic that it irritated and angered the
Pharisees, who lived in hiddenness and hypocrisy in order to maintain their
power and prestige over the common people! I strive to be like Christ by not
being afraid to show my true self to others. Of course it can be scary to show
one’s true self because not everyone will accept you, but it’s better than
being “loved” for who you are really not.
Also, there will be people who will appreciate and accept your
authenticity, and how freeing is that!
Also, the truth will always be found out in the end. Yes, one may get away with
being inauthentic for a while, but the day will come when they will be exposed
as the fraud they had been all along. Don’t let that be you!
I don’t do fake because it devalues oneself
and others. When someone hides from me and masquerades into someone who they
are really not deep inside, they are, in essence, telling me they don’t think
I’m worth the truth! When we
consistently hide our true selves from others, we are also devaluing ourselves
because we are unconsciously telling ourselves that we are not worth loving for
who we really are. We thus say to
ourselves that we have to create an “ideal” self to be acceptable to us and
I don’t do fake, and neither should you. Shine
forth as the unique and beautiful person you were created to be, and strive not
to be afraid of your struggles and flaws because everyone has them!
It was a cold, wintry February day, right after my birthday when I got interviewed for my current job. I sensed in my spirit to ask about the status of my resume. I honestly did not think anything would happen, but when the HR coordinator told me to come back for an interview, a couple hours later, I knew there was hope.
Since I didn’t have time to go home, I couldn’t adequately
plan for the interview. When I came back to my current workplace, another
interviewee, Anastasia * was already there, and we made some small talk, as we
waited to be interviewed. Anastasia was
interviewed first, and after she came out, I was interviewed. The interviewer,
I found out later, was also going to be my manager, Chris*! I was very nervous
during the interview. All Chris asked me was, “How did you go above and beyond
for a customer.” Nervously stuttering, I answered how I made sure the
customer’s questions were answered, and how I would pray for them if they
wanted me to.
I didn’t think I was going to get the job because I was so
nervous, but to my surprise. Anastasia and I both got job offers! Anastasia
accepted immediately, but I waited until the next day to accept after seeking
counsel from my family.
During orientation, Chris kindly sat down with me to give me
my schedule for the next couple weeks. It was many more hours than I got at my
previous job. The only time I had ever worked that much, was during the
Christmas season! I was very pleased. But then Chris went on vacation for two
weeks, and everything changed….
Because I didn’t take the time to get to know Chris as a
manager or a person initially, we had many conflicts. There was always a period
where things were good again, but then there would be more conflict, that grew
more intense, as time went on. This cycle repeated itself for one and a half
years! During the worst of the conflicts, I flirted with the idea of switching
departments or even quitting my job! However, God, in His sovereignty, didn’t
allow me to follow through on these options
When the conflicts got really bad, I had also tried avoiding Chris completely, as I had dreaded seeing him every day, but that only lasted a few days. However, I knew I had a serious problem when, on my day off from work, I came to church still very upset about the situation with Chris. I was not only dreading possibly having to see him again the next day at work, but I also became consumed with thoughts of how much he had hurt me and so on. The bitterness and anger inside my heart, at the time, was like a whale about to consume its food whole!
I saw my pastor, John, and immediately sensed that I had to
seek counsel about my situation with Chris, because I was afraid if I didn’t
get help soon, I would eventually blow up at Chris, get myself disciplined and
even lose my job!
these concerns to my pastor, John*. I also told him, “I tried to be nice to my
manager, but I don’t think anything is happening.” In retrospect, I wasn’t even really working
hard in being that nice to Chris. That
is when Pastor John told me to turn to Romans 12:12-20, and Matthew
5:44-48. The particular verse, Romans
12:20, struck me. It said, “Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he
thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his
Then, Pastor John said, “How do
you know God is not working in Chris? Patricia, you have to trust God’s
timing. God may not bring about the
changes now, but how do you know he won’t make the changes later, in His own
perfect timing.” The verses in Matthew
5:44-48, about loving your enemy, and Romans 12:15-20, about serving someone
who you view to be the enemy, as to soften him or her, and what Pastor John
said about God’s timing, made all the difference. I had renewed hope that
things could change for the better between Chris and me. And it did!
That night, I sensed God telling
me that I should apologize to Chris for the anger and bitterness I had against
him, so I typed up an apology note to Chris for the anger and bitterness I had
held. The next day, I wanted to give it to Chris but the department manager
ended up doing it for me since another manager wanted me to straighten some
aisles in the store right that second! After my break, I caught Chris doing
freight, and asked him if he had read the note. He said he had. There, we
worked things out, and that day, things really started to become better.
After that next day, I felt so
much better and so hopeful that things would get better for us. The barrier and slime of hatred and
bitterness that I had for Chris melted away within days, if not hours, of me
talking to Pastor John. I started to be
able to look at Chris with eyes of love and compassion, and not the revulsion
and disgust that I had earlier.
However, several months later,
Chris was moved to a different area of the store altogether. I would no longer
have the opportunity to show the love and respect to him in the same capacity I
did when things were tough between us. I
was sad, but now I know having Elizabeth* come on as my new manager was part of
God’s good plan for me.
Several weeks after that, Chris
switched areas again to cover for someone else, who worked nights. However, since Chris did such a good job
covering for this other manager, the store manager kept him in that position
for almost a year.
One wintry day in February of
last year, I wanted to work overnight for Chris because many people had called
in, due to a severe blizzard ensuing outside. I felt really bad for him that he
had to do all of this work with only a few people to help him. However, when
Chris realized that I lived more than a few minutes from work and I had already
worked since two in the afternoon, he told me that working overnight that day
for him wouldn’t be a good idea. He, in essence, said “I care about my
associates. I would rather have you safely home, than to worry about getting
all this work done.” That care he had for me contributed to me being physically
safe that day. I listened to him and
went on my way, at a decent time. The
next day, the storm was so bad that I called in. Had he not cared about my safety and just let
me work for him, I don’t think I would be alive today.
After that, Chris and I got
along much better.
Then, a few months ago,
Elizabeth told me she had accepted another opportunity at another company. I
cried, as I never thought she would leave that soon, and besides that, I
considered her one of the best managers I have ever had! I was also anxious because I didn’t know who
would replace her or what would happen to our department.
Some people who know me well may think to themselves why I didn’t just quit when I felt Chris was hurting me, because when most people feel as hurt as I was, they will make sure that they never have to face that person again. They won’t take time to think about how they may have contributed to the conflict, or even think that things could ever be redeemed between them and the person who they have harbored anger and bitterness against. I confess that though I had prayed for one and a half years for things to be improved between Chris and me and for God to take away my anger and bitterness away from me, I never really thought anything would happen. God, however, in His grace,proved me wrong.
What people don’t understand is how the power of forgiveness and redemption changes you and allows you to see the light in someone you may have once hated. Upon seeing the light, you know you can never give up on that person again. You start to see beauty in that person, and the anger and revulsion will start melting away. That is how I saw Chris was worth the fight.
Epilogue: Chris is no longer with my company, but I will always remember him as someone who always worked hard and believed in me and my potential. I will never forget him. I wish him years of joy and success in wherever he ends up next in his life.
I recently watched a video about a husband who wanted a divorce from his wife, but she had a request before he could go through with the decision—He had to carry her to the front door of their home each day for a month. He did so, and as the days went by, she grew increasingly thinner. Something also happened inside him, and he began to feel renewed love for his wife, even telling his lover whom he had an affair with that he no longer wanted to divorce his wife. However, by that time, it was too late. His wife had died on his way back home to her. She wanted her husband’s love so badly that she made him carry her just as he did when he first married her. The thing is that her husband did love her in the end, but it was too late for her to know that. You can see this video at: https://www.facebook.com/powerofpositivity/videos/1015526229483237/
I am not married, but this video can apply to all of us,
married or not. After I watched this
video, I almost cried because I thought about all the people that were hurting
in my midst, that I didn’t know about, some of whom I had taken for
I’m speaking to myself, as much as I am to you, the reader,
but I beg you—Do not be that husband in that video who almost divorced his wife
and was too late in appreciating all the things she did for him. Do not be the parent, child, friend,
employee, teacher, student, or boss that realized too late what your loved ones
and those who cared about you have done for you. Do not be so busy with life, or your own
self-serving desires that you emotionally and psychologically kill the souls of
those who you love the most. Do not be
so self-absorbed in your own little world that you forget the needs and the
struggles of those around you.
If we don’t appreciate all that has been given to us—the
things that we failed to appreciate will be taken away from us.
For our family–Do you have a wife, husband, father, mother,
or child that serves selflessly for the entire family without expecting
anything in return? Has a family member or members sacrificed everything for
your happiness and joy? Do not think that they will always be able or willing
to do that for you. Do not take them for granted. Sincerely say to them, “Thank
you and I love you. I appreciate all you have done for me.” Treasure them as greater than anything that
this world has to offer. Be willing to
serve them with no expectation of return. Be willing to sacrifice your life for
For our friends—Do you have a true, blue friend who doesn’t
leave you when you face troubles or trials in life, always encourages you to be
your best, and who loves you as you are?
Do not take advantage of them for your own selfish desires—lest you lose
someone great and wonderful! Thank them,
and be willing to return the favor should such an opportunity arise for
you. Treasure them as more valuable than
gold or silver. Be a friend to them.
For our co-workers—Do you know a fellow co-worker who has
always helped you out when you were in a snag? Do you know an employee who
consistently goes above and beyond, not only for their own benefit, but for the
good of the whole company? Thank them. Bosses, you don’t have to give them extra
perks, or treat them better than others.
Bosses and employees—take the time to appreciate those who make your
work life something that you can enjoy or, at least, make more bearable. Do not wait until the employee quits, gets
transferred, or somehow leaves the company to let them know how much you
appreciated them or to realize how much they contributed to your life. Notice these people now, before it is too
late for you—and for the company you work for.
For our teachers —Is there a special teacher or teachers
that have positively impacted your life? Do not wait until it is too late to
thank them for the impact they made in your life. Let them know they are
appreciated and that you are learning valuable life lessons from them. Often, teachers get the brunt of the blame
and criticism when things go wrong, but when they do something good, it is
either brushed aside, or it is barely noticed.
Thanking them and doing what you can to show you care for them will keep
these teachers motivated to keep doing the good they have done.
Who in your life have you taken for granted? Who in your life do you need to thank? Take time to thank them today. If we take time to appreciate each of the people in our lives that has positively impacted us, not only will the other person feel loved and valued, but you will also have the joy and peace in knowing that you said everything that you needed to say—before it was too late.
There has been so much turmoil, hatred, and division in this
world. People are being torn apart—both physically
and emotionally by these wars waged against one another. Maybe you are in the midst of a relationship
today that has been torn apart by the spirit of deception, abuse, anger, and/or
betrayal. Maybe there is a family member
who has deeply hurt you, or maybe it is a co-worker or classmate who has
bullied or hurt you in some other way.
Whoever has hurt you in life, whoever you may have hurt, and whatever
may have caused the rift in one or more of your relationships, there is always
hope for restoration if both parties are willing to do the hard work of
repairing them. Here are some of the essential
ingredients that must be present in order to have a true restoration in a relationship
with another person:
In order for a relationship to be restored, one or both parties must apologize for their part in the rift and/or forgive the other person for past hurts done to him or her. –A relationship cannot be restored if one or both parties still have bitterness and anger against the other. Moreover, not only does holding grudges and being bitter prevent relationships from being restored, they destroy one’s other relationships as well because there is a barrier to transparency that develops with bitterness. Also, the party that wronged must sincerely apologize for his or her offense, in not only words, but also by changing their actions and/or making amends. They must aim to seek restitution and restoration with the other party that they wronged, and not have an entitlement expectation that the offended party will do something for them in return.
In order for a relationship to be restored, one or both parties must demonstrate humility to the other.—Being humble means not lording the hurt that caused the relationship to break apart over the person that offended you. Being humble also means owning your part in the rift, even if it is just your response to the person that hurt you. Yes, it probably wasn’t your fault that your offender hurt you, but your response is. As my pastor has repeatedly said, “Your response is your responsibility.” Don’t lay blame on the other party for the rift, even if it was primarily their fault. Placing blame never restores relationships, but forgiveness and humility do.
In order for a relationship to be restored, we must forsake selfishness.—If we still are thinking, what will I get out of restoring this relationship, you are not ready for restoration. We must do not only what is best for us, but for all parties involved. We must do what we can to uplift and encourage the person in the relationship. In fact, when I was having a conflict with someone, one of my pastors said exactly this. In other words, we are to love those we consider our enemies, or those with whom we find ourselves in conflict. This means not only saying nice things about them, as opposed to mean and nasty things, but it also means a willingness to help and support the person with whom we had a rift. When we show that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves, most people are willing to open up to us again. I am not saying for us to let ourselves be taken advantage of consistently for others’ selfish pleasures. In that case, we may need to set some boundaries. However, we must be willing to serve them in ways that truly will be beneficial to their emotional and spiritual well-being.
In order for a relationship to be restored, we must be patient.—We must remember that complete change and restoration does not usually occur immediately, but over time. We must be willing to wait for the relational trust and love that we had before the rift happened to be rebuilt. Even if it takes a really long time, we must not give up on the relationship if we want it to be restored. We must be willing to work hard at restoring and renewing our relationship for the better.
When we incorporate these four elements into restoring our broken relationships, with time, most of them can be restored. Though it does take both parties for a relationship to be truly and fully restored, we must strive to do our part to be agents of reconciliation, especially with people who we interact with regularly. Yes, there are relationships that may not be able to fully be restored because of abuse or other things, but we must not let those broken relationships rule how we conduct our other relationships. However, when we are agents of reconciliation and restoration, we will make the world a better place.