—written 11/27/2020, Edited: 12/03/2020, by Patricia A. Go
About a month ago today, I was in a deep dungeon of darkness—that was full of scary pictures of what my future would look like, as well as pent up anger and despair of the person I had become under months of demands and major changes in my life. I couldn’t keep any food down, and I had trouble falling asleep at night. Days later, I also began to have nightmares about work. This evolved to anger at almost everyone around me, including God, who I blamed for allowing these circumstances. I wanted to run away and hide. I wanted to give up on life, and everyone that had hurt me, as I held on to bitterness, anger and resentment tighter and tighter. I was too terrified to go back to the place that I felt began my journey into the dungeon. I shook with fear even at anything that resembled that place.
Until a week ago…
Last week was Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of gratitude and honoring God and one another. However, I was still too consumed by bitterness, fear and anger to think about being grateful for much of anything.
The Holy Spirit, because He is relentless in His love and truth, continually prodded me to forgive and/or let go of bitterness that I had against several people He brought to my mind, especially this one person. I did not want to let go and forgive. I thought if I did, I would open up myself to more hurt. The cycle of the Holy Spirit’s prodding and my resistance went on almost throughout the whole day. By the end of the day, I had a small desire to forgive this person, but there was an invisible roadblock that prevented me from obeying the Spirit. I knew I was grieving the Spirit, but I still was not in the place to forgive. Still, I was desperate to know how I could get over the roadblock, so I could finally stop grieving God.
At around 6:30 that night, I texted a friend to see if he had answers, but he was busy. So, I turned to YouTube, and finally found a video of a Christian speaker, Mark Ballenger, giving me the answer to the question of how to forgive from a biblical perspective. To make a long story short, he said that we should forgive the people that have hurt us because of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross for us. Ballenger said that God deserves our obedience of forgiving the person that hurt us. The offender may not deserve our forgiveness, but God deserves our faith in forgiving the offender.
After watching this video and reading over something on forgiveness that one of my friends had given me, I decided it was time to forgive this person who I held bitterness and anger against for these past weeks. So, I finally obeyed, and this huge weight was lifted off me.
Then, the next day, I called the person and apologized to them for holding bitterness and anger against them and several others. I felt so free. Not only was I able to reconcile with this person, but my whole outlook on life changed as well. I was no longer afraid of the place which had caused me so much trauma and pain a month ago.
Like Job, God has blessed me much on the other side of the pain that I endured. Through the hurt, pain, turmoil, and trial, God was always there and never gave up on me.
I am nearing what I hope to be the end of this dark, long tunnel of this past month. I am finally running towards the Light.