How to Help Someone With Depression or Anxiety (including what NOT to say)

I have had struggles with depression and anxiety for many years, but during the past five years things have really started to improve dramatically, despite some challenging circumstances, such as having to move out of state for the first time in my entire life!  I would like to thank those people who have stuck by me through my life’s journey and encouraged me to never give up.  These same people have also taught me how to encourage, validate, and strengthen others who also, like me, struggle with depression and/or anxiety. 

I am a born perfectionist, not so much for others, but definitely for myself.  I broke down in tears the other day at work because the pressure of performing at a certain rate and the anxiety of not meeting the goals I (and, I thought, the managers) set for me at the time.  I dreaded disappointing them. I was afraid that they would think less of me as a person, or think that I wasn’t trying hard enough. The truth was that I had become so fixated on performing that my drive was starting to suck out the joy and motivation to even work!  Anxiety was starting to take over even before I clocked in to work.  However, one of my managers, Jim,* validated my presence and my character.  He made it clear that he did not expect me to perform at that rate every day, and it was OK to have bad days sometimes.  When someone is anxious, especially about not doing or being enough, a good way to calm their anxieties is to reassure them that you value them no matter what they do.  Also, validate something in their character that has nothing to do with what they are anxious about. For instance, Jim complimented me on how I make people joyful inside. 

However, I know from experience that there are things that you should never say to someone struggling with depression and anxiety. I had someone tell another person trying to calm my anxieties and depression not to “baby” me.  Never disparage someone struggling as “weak,” “babyish,” or “silly.” They already have low self-esteem, and may even have suicidal thoughts.  If you feel emotionally overloaded trying to help someone with depression and/or anxiety, don’t. Instead, enlist the help of another person who is better able to help them. 

Another way to help someone struggling with depression and anxiety is to invest in them and believe in their abilities. When someone is clinically depressed, they feel like they are in a deep, dark tunnel with no way out.  They don’t typically see their God-given abilities and talents. If someone is anxious about themselves, they may think that trying anything new or that they haven’t done in a while will result in catastrophic failure, so why try? My mentor J saw that I was depressed and didn’t want to get out of the house much.  I did not believe that I would ever get a job or do anything worthy in my life.  Thankfully, she saw a way out of my deep, dark tunnel of doubt and despair, and walked me through the long, but worthy process of helping me gain independence and be employed. She invested in me and believed in my God-given abilities.  When we take the time and effort to invest in someone struggling with depression and anxiety, we will most likely see a slow, but steady growth in that person.  They will be able to have hope and joy again. I can’t speak for J, but her investment has made a huge impact on how I view life and my challenges.  So far, even though I still get anxious and depressed sometimes, my episodes don’t last as long and are not as severe as before I met her.

Sometimes, the best way to help a depressed or anxious person is just to be there for and listen to them.  One of my online friends did not think she was doing much because she felt that she wasn’t able to completely get me out of my depressive episode.  She did more than many people offline I know. She didn’t have to say anything. She did not make things worse by offering unsolicited and unhelpful advice.  She just listened. Sometimes that is all that the person struggling needs at the time—someone that will care enough to listen and to be there for them, when no one else seems to be there.

Finally, we can pray for those struggling with depression and anxiety. We can pray for God’s presence to flood them. We can ask God to help them see His sovereignty and caring hand in the situation that they are in so their anxieties would be quelled.  We can ask God to help them see the hope and joy that awaits them if they put their trust in Him and do not give up on their lives.

If you are struggling now, there is a way out even if it doesn’t seem that way right now.  Don’t give up. If you are recovering, make it a point to help others out of the tunnel of darkness and help them see the Light of Joy and Love.  There is always hope when you are alive.

*=not his real name

Why Rest is Necessary and Good

After weeks of built up stress and anxiety, my world collapsed. I felt abandoned, exhausted and full of despair and heartbreak. I won’t go into excruciating details, but suffice it to say if anything good has come out of my most recent trial it’s the realization that I need to take God’s directive to rest more seriously.

I thought if I approached my work and my life with a passionate demeanor that I would not ever approach mental exhaustion and burnout. I was wrong. I realized at work, especially, that I regularly took the work of 3 people and thus, most of the managers that I had, had high expectations of me. However, regularly working a high workload with no vacation time and high demands are a combination for disaster for anyone, but especially someone on the spectrum like me.

Rest will look different for every person, but it is imperative that everyone take a rest from the things that burden and weigh them down. Rest can be physical sleep, or it can be temporary or permanent emotional distance from someone or something that is stressing you out. For instance, when a work project is stressing you out, taking a 15 minute or so break from it can clear your mind and help you maintain your sanity. In another situation, I had to make a clean break from a “friend” who was continually stressing me out and giving me anxiety every time I saw her.

This is why I recommend everybody that is working right now to take all your breaks that you are legally entitled to under state and company law. If a manager or an associate acting as a manager refuses to allow you to take a break, you can take it to a higher level manager or if all other options are exhausted, to your state’s (or country’s) labor agency. I know in high stress environments it’s always a race to get things done by X time, but if you are not healthy or alert, things will get messed up and slow things down anyway. Also, never “save” all your vacation days. Yes, save some of it, and try not to waste them. However, a person also needs time to rest from labor. This is why there is a Labor Day in the U.S. This is not only to honor those who work, but also to remind ourselves that we need rest from our labors.

Finally, take a rest from expectations and demands, both self-imposed and those implied or percipitated by others. This does not mean to rebel against rules and regulations that must be followed, but it means to not worry too much about how other people perceive you when you are already doing the best you can. It also means not to set too high a bar for yourself that you set yourself up for failure. I regularly fell apart under the weight of both my own demands and how others would perceive me when I failed. In my job, I have to perform at least 100 PR to be considered “good,” but I ended up being so trapped by a PR number, that if I performed below 130 PR, I got upset at myself. I felt pressured both externally and internally to perform at higher and higher standards until the work became anxiety-provoking and aggravating. I believe if my coworkers and I did not know our PR for even a day, or it was not counted for let’s say a week, people would feel free to work more carefully and not just so fast, taking shortcuts, that they messed up a customer’s order or did not follow rules and regulations of the company.

So, rest is vital to not only our work environment, but also our well-being and our state of mind. Rest clears the mind of its needless clutter and it brings peace and comfort to the soul and body. Rest is also being obedient to the Fifth of Ten Commandments, which is to rest from our labors on Sabbath day, a day each week you designate in your heart to devote to God and rest in Him. Rest is necessary for a healthy and vibrant soul.