written: 11/30/2018
Once I was lost and alone
Looking for hope and love
The true kind from up above
The kind that would never die
I was dealing with much pain
People caused me much hurt and strife
But you came into my life
And brought healing to my soul
You gave me true love and care
You gave me value and hope
When I was on my last rope
You are my great hope-giver
I have been repeatedly reminded in these past few weeks that
nothing on earth is going to stay the same or remain forever. To that end, I
have also been reminded that one day I will pass from life on this earth, to
life in eternity with God. I have sensed
in my heart that God has been whispering to me over and over again, “Patricia,
you don’t have much time left.” The
following is the message I believe God is relaying to my heart, and also, I
believe, God’s message to all of us, to live life so that we will die well:
I know no one wants to ponder their death. It all seems so depressing and
final—but it doesn’t have to be. Dying
well, to me, does not mean having all the toys and grandeurs of this world. One
can have that, and still not die well.
Dying well does not just mean being popular and having everyone love
you. To me, dying well means to have
lived knowing you have fulfilled your purpose and that God will say to you when
you come before Him, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
So, how does one fulfill his or her purpose? Well, first one needs to find out what it is! I believe that my overarching purpose can be surmised in the Westminster Shorter Catechism, where it says, “The [purpose] of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.” If you are a follower of Christ, that should be your purpose too.
However, I think God gives us different assignments, if you will, to help us fulfill that purpose, through both our circumstances and the people He puts in our path. For instance, despite the stresses that my day job brings, I believe He has and continues to use that job as a calling for me to minister to broken and hurting people around me and to strengthen my character. In this job, I am learning, not only some marketable skills in my job, but also how to be more patient, kind, caring and at peace with life. I have learned that anxiety gets me nowhere, but trusting God does. When I cooperate with God in these lessons, I am much better able to fulfill His purposes for me. When it is my time to depart this world, if I persevere in this and all other assignments He gives me to fulfill His purposes, then I would die well.
Another example is my faith hero, Rachel Joy Scott. She became a Christian a few years before her death in April 1999, and God used people in her school, her church, and her job to strengthen and build her character and to be a dynamic example for those around her that would be recounted long after she had departed this earth. Although Rachel died what many consider a tragic death, I think she died well, not because thousands of people came to her funeral, but because of the positive impact she had and continues to have in millions of people’s lives today because of how she had lived her life and fulfilled her God-given purpose.
I believe to truly die well, we must die to self. In fact, in Luke 9:23-24 (KJV), Jesus says, “ If any man should come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it, but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.” Jesus is saying that in order to live, and, ultimately, die well, we have to be willing to give up our selfish desires, ambitions and hopes for the benefit of others. I can attest to this fact in my own life. When I am thinking selfishly, I often find that I don’t get what I wanted anyway, and my life unravels before me. Not only that, people often lose respect for me, and I become an angry, resentful and bitter mess. However, when I humble myself and submit my desires and ambitions to God, I find that I am more at peace, no matter what my circumstances are, and things often go a lot more smoothly. I also find the same is true for those around me. Those around me who complain the most are often, and not just coincidentally, the same people who have not submitted their selfish desires and ambitions to God! What a miserable way, not only to live, but to die! Many people think that when we die to self, we will live a miserable life and never get to do what we want to do. I won’t lie; sometimes I am tempted to believe this very lie! However, in reality, the opposite is most often true. When we are willing to sacrifice for others, we become more fulfilled in our God-given purpose and are more likely to be content with our lives, rather if we just lived for ourselves and our desires.
Another part of dying to self is being willing to serve others. Helping others not only encourages us to keep the focus off ourselves, it also makes us more content and fulfilled with our lives, because we sense we are making a positive contribution to this world. For instance, when I work to focus on making the customers satisfied and happy with our products and service, I find I feel much more confident and willing to serve them, rather than if I am focused on just checking something off my list. Dying well, means having died knowing that you served others the best you could, and were not just out for yourself.
In order to truly die well, I believe we must strive daily to fulfill our God-given purpose for this life, deny ourselves, and be willing to live to serve God and others with a whole heart. As God has said in my heart, repeatedly, “You don’t have much time left.” Yes, we don’t have as much time left as we may perceive in our minds, but we can use what is left to make sure we die well, and full of purpose.
You thought no one would want you
You thought you were hideous
That none would truly love you
That you were doomed forever
But then you saw a bright light
Someone who saw your beauty
And not just an ugly sight
Giving you true hope inside
Despite all you have gone through
You are a true butterfly
And I will always love you
And the beauty inside you
-written 3/5/19
When I was growing up, I was a naughty and very active child. Despite my energy, I did not really have any close friends. Back then, I dreamed of one day going to a prestigious university, like my parents, and getting the best grades possible. I probably thought, unconsciously, that if I made it to a prestigious and a good university, I would then be able to get a job that would pay me a lot of money, and thus I would win friends and influence.
Indeed, I worked very hard in school and got decent grades. However, I really didn’t have passion for the content of what I studied; I just wanted to do well to please my parents and also to be “the –girl-who-worked-hard-and-got-the-best-grades.” I wanted to be respected and valued. In retrospect, getting good grades at school became a sort of idol for me. I worshipped the god of achievement, and without it, I reasoned that I was worthless.
Shattered Dreams
Then, when I was sixteen years old, I struggled through several classes. I no longer got the grades I wanted or needed. I was even in danger of failing a class. One of my teachers even said in so many words that he didn’t believe I would ever amount to much in this life, probably partly due to the fact I wasn’t doing so well in his class. I also lacked peer support. In fact, no one in my class dared to counter what that teacher said to me. I also I felt my family could not relate to the turmoil inside me, as they seemed to be living a different life. In fact, in a journal entry from April 1999, I had written, “I wish I could be more […] effervescent (lively). I feel dead without being physically killed. I hope I don’t die emotionally, but I am dying. If I could only find that zest, that greatness life is supposed to hold. But where is it, at least in me?” I was so depressed that I wanted an escape, maybe to even end my life.
However, several months later, God saved me from that. Fast forward a few years later, I went to college, but not at a prestigious university which I had dreamed. After I graduated, I tried to look for work in my field of study, but to no avail.
After that, I finally found a part-time job in retail. There, I learned many customer service skills and other people skills I needed to succeed. I did well there, but after a while, I felt God calling me to somewhere else—a place where I never thought I’d end up. It was during that time, that God was preparing me for a new life, where He would give me more than I could have ever dreamed.
I was so excited when I got an interview at one of the local bookstores near where I lived! I had always dreamed of working in a bookstore! I loved books, and the workers there seemed nice. However, the day of the interview, I quickly found out that I wasn’t the right fit. At this point, I didn’t think I would get another job opportunity any time soon. The search went on.
Metamorphosis
Then, one, cold wintry day on February 25, 2016, I went with my mom to the store I now work to buy a few things. What I did not know was that trip would change my life forever.
I asked the HR representative the status of my resume, and after that she offered me to interview at 1 pm. Since I didn’t have adequate time to prepare or change into more formal attire, my mom and I ate lunch at the mall nearby, and then I went back to the store to get interviewed. When I got interviewed, I was so nervous and stuttering over my words, that I thought surely they wouldn’t accept me. To my surprise, I got a job offer! I waited until the next day to accept, after I sought counsel from my family. On March 10, I officially started at my current job.
Meanwhile, many people were leaving my now-former church. I loved that church, but inside there were so many changes that it rocked the congregation. About half of the congregation left or were in the process of leaving. At about the same period of time, my brother told my parents and me that he was going to go to school in Texas to get his Master’s degree. What I didn’t know then was my brother was going to live there permanently.
I felt, except for my new job, that my dreams were going to be shattered all over again. I would either have to accept the changes at my now-former church or find somewhere different to worship. Not going to church wasn’t even an option for me. I would also have to adjust to life without some of the support of my brother.
My brother left for Texas in August 2016. The day he left, the house felt hollow and quiet. The basement that used to be full of my brother’s stuff was now almost bare, but habitable again. My dad went with my brother to help him move. My mom and I remained at home. I felt numb and solemn that day. My heart felt like there was something missing—the void where my brother’s physical presence radiated my life.
Then, in mid-October, I said goodbye to the church that I had been attending for about ten years. It was very hard, as I had established so many friendships there, and these people were like a second family to me. Before I left to visit a church nearby, I was in tears, as I said goodbye to some of the congregants.
However, there was a very bright spot, in the midst of all the goodbyes, a month before I left my now-former church.
In September, I was working the swing shift, and one of my managers, Hope* was closing with me. She was complimenting me about my performance that day. Since I was still part-time, I told her, “I am thinking of becoming full-time. However, Chris*, my manager, said I should wait a while. I was wondering how long I should wait.” Then, Hope replied, “You shouldn’t have to wait. You deserve full-time.” Later on, or the next day, she put me in for full-time. Later, Chris also approved my full- time status. I was ecstatic! Because of all the challenges that I had to face, I never dreamed I would ever get a full time job in my life!
A month later, after I had left my former church, I visited another church. It had many more people than the one I had previously visited. A friendly couple greeted me and I sat by them. Even the pastors were friendly. The sermon that day was very thought-provoking and relatable to what I was going through in my life. I didn’t know yet if this was going to be my new home church, but I liked their genuineness and their devotion to the Word of God, so I kept going. In August of the next year, I officially became a member of my current church. Through my church, I have learned how to have an engaging quiet time with God, how to view life more positively and differently than most of the rest of the world, and how to forgive people who have hurt you deeply.
God’s Perfect Plan
No, I never got the six figure salary I had dreamed of, nor did I get into a prestigious college. However, I have been blessed with more than I could have ever dreamed. Through my church family and people at work, I have gained a strong support system. Also, I am still in touch with several people from my old church, who I still consider good friends, even though they live very far away from where I am now. Through the tough situations I find myself in at work, God has used those to strengthen and shape my character into His. Through church, I continue to train to be able to share the love and hope that I found in life through God and His gracious plans for me. Yes, I still have bad days, but overall, I have found more joy and satisfaction during these past two years, than at any other time in my life. God has certainly blessed me with more than I could ever dream!
*=names have been changed for privacy reasons
written : 12/6/18
Through all your triumph and glory
When I see the light in your soul
And I see you becoming whole
I will never give up on you
Through all the laughter and the pain
Through the joy of being with you
Through all the good times and the bad
I will never give up on you
Though at times you will fall and fail
And you want to give up and bail
Because you don’t think you’re enough
I will never give up on you
Though sometimes you drive me insane
And there are times of stress and hurt
Where some people treat you like dirt
I will never give up on you
written April 16, 2019
Sunday night, after a snowstorm had ended for the day, I realized how much pain and anguish Jesus had gone through for us—for me, during the last hours of His life, 2,000 years ago, as my pastor relayed the excruciating details of what Jesus had suffered. Over the past few weeks, I confess there had been so much stress going on in my life that I had lost sight of God’s presence and even love for me. However, as I look back over my entire life, I realize that Jesus had not only saved and redeemed me through His sacrifice 2,000 years ago, but also through various people and events in my life. As I look forward to celebrating Easter, I want to remind you—and myself—of God’s saving grace, not only for my sake, but also for yours, so that you will remember how God has been good to you and how blessings have poured into your life.
This is my story, but more importantly, it is His!
On April 9, 1999, I wrote these despairing words in a journal, “I wish I could be more […] effervescent (lively). I feel dead without being physically killed. I hope I don’t die emotionally, but I am dying. If I could only find that zest, that greatness life is supposed to hold. But where is it, at least in me?” At that time, I was feeling very restless and felt like something was missing from my life. Tired of all the pretense around me in my life and feeling like I couldn’t relate to the lyrics of most popular songs, I began searching for deeper music. That is when I was led by God to a Christian radio station that played songs in the popular style I liked, but also had deeper lyrical meaning for me. Through that, God used this longing for something “more” in my life to lead me into a Christian bible study group at a public school I attended. Some months later, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior.
God has also saved my literal, physical life several times as well. When I was struggling most severely with depression and suicidal thoughts, each time He reached out to me and prevented me from doing the unthinkable.
Also, on June 14, 2014, after having been hospitalized already a month before for food poisoning, I had to be hospitalized again. (For the whole story on how and why, please visit this page. ) I had been throwing up blood earlier that morning, and I knew something was wrong, so I went to the ER. I found out later that I had to have gallbladder surgery because my gallbladder was twice the size it should have been, was inflamed, and I had several gall stones! Thankfully, I had gone to the ER in time because if I had waited longer, I may not have been here on earth today. God was definitely a part of the timing in this and in guiding the successful surgery by my surgeon.
Then, about four years later, there was a severe blizzard ensuing outside. Many associates had called in sick at my current job, and because I was feeling bad for one of the managers that worked overnight, I wanted to help him. He had so much work to do, with not enough people to do it. I had worked from 2 pm, and my shift was supposed to end at 10 pm. However, I planned to work another shift to help him out. However, when this manager, let’s call him *Chris, realized that I lived more than a few minutes away from work, he told me, “I care about my associates.” and told me in so many words that he would rather have me safely home than me worrying about him getting the work done and possibly have an accident by going home later, when the storm was more severe. I sensed that God was telling me to listen to Chris, and I did. I not only was able to get home at a decent time, I had to call off the next day because the weather was so bad! Thankfully, God moved in Chris to care about my safety, and thus He used Chris to save my life!
Another way, Jesus has redeemed me is by providing me hope and purpose in serving Him. When I was struggling to find lasting work, He provided me activities at my now-former church, like the food pantry and the clinic, to be able to serve the needs of others. By serving at the food pantry and the clinic at my now-former church, my eyes were opened to the pain and the needs of others. I saw people find hope and purpose, as they were being served by my fellow volunteers and me. I saw Jesus work through both ministries in powerful ways, as many people felt loved and cared for by the volunteers there. It was there that I also met some of the most genuine, loving, and caring people, including one of my friends, Laura,* that now attends the church which I am now a member.
After that, through my mentor J, and others, I was able to get my first stable job about six years ago. There, I learned much about customer service, which I strive to apply to my current job. God also led me to see every day as an opportunity to minister to those around me—both customers and co-workers alike.
Then, about three years ago, on a cold, wintry February day, I got my current job, being hired by one of my now-former managers, Chris*(Yes, he is the same one that helped save my physical life in February 2018!) , and several months later, Hope,* one of my managers, promoted me to full-time. God has used this job, not only to help me serve Him better, but also to continually mold and shape me, and so He could tear away the layers of my selfishness and pain of having been bullied by peers and others growing up. I am also constantly able to learn new things about how to serve customers better and to be a better person, personality-wise.
A few months before I got my current job, on December 2015, I started the blog, “God’s Whisperings.” From there, God led me to engage with other like-minded individuals in a blogging group. He also gave me a vision to start this blog as a way to teach others what I have learned from Him, so that they would know His love and goodness in their own lives as well. About a few months ago, I was led by God to join a local writing group, as a way to, not only have a concentrated time to continue to write, but also to learn from others.
Finally, Jesus has saved and redeemed me through various trials, because without them, I would not be the person I am today. Before I got my current job, I applied and got interviewed for a job at a local bookstore that just opened. This was what I had considered one of my “dream jobs.” However, I quickly learned during the interview that I was not a good fit for that job. I felt very disappointed, and slightly despairing, until I interviewed for my current job in February of 2016! Had I had gotten that job at the bookstore, I don’t know how long I would have lasted, or if I would have learned as much as I have at my current job.
Jesus also saved and redeemed me through failed friendships and relationships. He saved me from several people who did not have my (or His) best interests in mind, and who betrayed my trust. Jesus saved me from those who would have hurt me if they had been in my lives much longer. Finally, Jesus continues to redeem my life, through the changes I am currently experiencing, including the redemption of several friendships and relationships that I thought were doomed forever. You can read about one of them here.
As we celebrate Jesus’ resurrection this Sunday (for those that are Christians), let’s remember what God has done in our lives to bring us to where we are today, and for the blessing it is that He is alive and working in us today! Thank God for not only His salvation, but also for the plenty of times He has redeemed us in our lives!
written February 26, 2019
I am not like many, or even, most people. At my church, most people are older than me, have children and even grandchildren, are married, and have been there for a long time. In contrast, I am single, have exactly zero children, and have only attended this current church for a little over two years. I’m not only different at church, but also at work. While many people at my job have either hated or just tolerated their job, most of the time, I find great joy and passion in my job, which is why I strive to give it my all every day. In general society, I am different from what most would consider “the norm” because I am neurodivergent, have the rarest Myers-Briggs personality type there is (In case, you are wondering, I’m an INFJ, and have only found one person in real life with this exact type as me!), and love organizing things more than most people.
And I like it that way.
Being different has forced me to not be able to hide myself behind a veneer of familiarity well, leading me to be able to be more genuine. For instance, when I try to hide behind a veneer, such as having no passion for my work and not trying my best, people will immediately notice something is wrong and that I am not really being “myself.” In fact, one time when I was just trying to get things “done” and not really striving for excellence, a manager admonished me for that, but understood I was just really stressed out. Standing out in my differences has allowed me to be more genuine because I know I have an interesting life story to tell others.
Being different has also enabled me to bring a fresh perspective and new ideas into the world around me. Because I am realizing that many people do not think like I do, when I say something from my heart and offer my unique perspective on things, people will be more apt to listen to me since I stand apart, than to someone whose ideas are more common . Being different has also helped me to learn about other perspectives with a fresh and more invigorating view. For instance, I observe that many people use small talk to get to know a person better. I do, too, however, I also strive to see into the soul and observe what their dreams and goals are in life by what they talk about.
Being different has helped me move away from the status quo when necessary. For instance, when I see or hear of something that I feel is not right, I won’t be as afraid to say so , because I am not pressured to maintain the status quo as other people may. Even when most people are doing “A”, I won’t be afraid to do “B’ if I feel that would be the right thing to do. Sometimes, because I am different than most, I stand out more anyway. So, I am less afraid of backlash in standing up for what is right.
Being different has motivated me to stand up for and support people who have been unfairly discriminated against due to their differences, including, but not limited to, certain minority ethnic groups, people who struggle with mental illness, those who are disabled, and other societal identifiers that may be outside “the norm”. Because I have also experienced teasing and bullying throughout my life due to my differences, I am able to better understand what it is like to be ridiculed, ignored, and bullied because of them. These painful experiences have enabled me to have more compassion for and better able to relate to others who have been through similar abuse and bullying.
Yes, I am often considered an anomaly to the norms of society. Yes, I may be sometimes treated unjustly because of them. However, not being like most of society has allowed me to have a greater impact on it then I otherwise would if I were a carbon copy of the “normal person” in society.
We may be more or less “normal” than the standards and characteristics that society may deem “normal,” but everyone has uniqueness that makes them stand out in some way. Embrace yours, and accept others! Upset the applecart to do what is right sometimes, and use your differences to be a catalyst for positive change in this world!
