More Than I Could Ever Dream

-written 3/5/19

When I was growing up, I was a naughty and very active child.  Despite my energy, I did not really have any close friends.  Back then, I dreamed of one day going to a prestigious university, like my parents, and getting the best grades possible. I probably thought, unconsciously, that if I made it to a prestigious and a good university, I would then be able to get a job that would pay me a lot of money, and thus I would win friends and influence.

Indeed, I worked very hard in school and got decent grades.  However, I really didn’t have passion for the content of what I studied; I just wanted to do well to please my parents and also to be “the –girl-who-worked-hard-and-got-the-best-grades.”   I wanted to be respected and valued. In retrospect, getting good grades at school became a sort of idol for me.  I worshipped the god of achievement, and without it, I reasoned that I was worthless.  

Shattered Dreams

(courtesy of photobias)

Then, when I was sixteen years old, I struggled through several classes. I no longer got the grades I wanted or needed. I was even in danger of failing a class. One of my teachers even said in so many words that he didn’t believe I would ever amount to much in this life, probably partly due to the fact I wasn’t doing so well in his class. I also lacked peer support. In fact, no one in my class dared to counter what that teacher said to me. I also I felt my family could not relate to the turmoil inside me, as they seemed to be living a different life.  In fact, in a journal entry from April 1999, I had written, “I wish I could be more […] effervescent (lively). I feel dead without being physically killed. I hope I don’t die emotionally, but I am dying. If I could only find that zest, that greatness life is supposed to hold. But where is it, at least in me?” I was so depressed that I wanted an escape, maybe to even end my life.

However, several months later, God saved me from that.  Fast forward a few years later, I went to college, but not at a prestigious university which I had dreamed.  After I graduated, I tried to look for work in my field of study, but to no avail.

After that, I finally found a part-time job in retail. There, I learned many customer service skills and other people skills I needed to succeed.  I did well there, but after a while, I felt God calling me to somewhere else—a place where I never thought I’d end up.  It was during that time, that God was preparing me for a new life, where He would give me more than I could have ever dreamed.

I was so excited when I got an interview at one of the local bookstores near where I lived! I had always dreamed of working in a bookstore!  I loved books, and the workers there seemed nice.  However, the day of the interview, I quickly found out that I wasn’t the right fit.  At this point, I didn’t think I would get another job opportunity any time soon. The search went on.

Metamorphosis

Then, one, cold wintry day on February 25, 2016, I went with my mom to the store I now work to buy a few things.  What I did not know was that trip would change my life forever.   

I asked the HR representative the status of my resume, and after that she offered me to interview at 1 pm.  Since I didn’t have adequate time to prepare or change into more formal attire, my mom and I ate lunch at the mall nearby, and then I went back to the store to get interviewed.  When I got interviewed, I was so nervous and stuttering over my words, that I thought surely they wouldn’t accept me. To my surprise, I got a job offer! I waited until the next day to accept, after I sought counsel from my family.  On March 10, I officially started at my current job.

Meanwhile, many people were leaving my now-former church. I loved that church, but inside there were so many changes that it rocked the congregation. About half of the congregation left or were in the process of leaving.  At about the same period of time, my brother told my parents and me that he was going to go to school in Texas to get his Master’s degree.  What I didn’t know then was my brother was going to live there permanently.

I felt, except for my new job, that my dreams were going to be shattered all over again.  I would either have to accept the changes at my now-former church or find somewhere different to worship. Not going to church wasn’t even an option for me.  I would also have to adjust to life without  some of the support of my brother.

My brother left for Texas in August 2016. The day he left, the house felt hollow and quiet. The basement that used to be full of my brother’s stuff was now almost bare, but habitable again.  My dad went with my brother to help him move.  My mom and I remained at home.  I felt numb and solemn that day. My heart felt like there was something missing—the void where my brother’s physical presence radiated my life.

Then, in mid-October, I said goodbye to the church that I had been attending for about ten years.  It was very hard, as I had established so many friendships there, and these people were like a second family to me.  Before I left to visit a church nearby, I was in tears, as I said goodbye to some of the congregants.

However, there was a very bright spot, in the midst of all the goodbyes, a month before I left my now-former church.

In September, I was working the swing shift, and one of my managers, Hope* was closing with me.  She was complimenting me about my performance that day. Since I was still part-time, I told her, “I am thinking of becoming full-time. However, Chris*, my manager, said I should wait a while. I was wondering how long I should wait.” Then, Hope replied, “You shouldn’t have to wait. You deserve full-time.”  Later on, or the next day, she put me in for full-time. Later, Chris also approved my full- time status. I was ecstatic!  Because of all the challenges that I had to face, I never dreamed I would ever get a full time job in my life! 

A month later, after I had left my former church, I visited another church.  It had many more people than the one I had previously visited.  A friendly couple greeted me and I sat by them.  Even the pastors were friendly. The sermon that day was very thought-provoking and relatable to what I was going through in my life. I didn’t know yet if this was going to be my new home church, but I liked their genuineness and their devotion to the Word of God, so I kept going. In August of the next year, I officially became a member of my current church.  Through my church, I have learned how to have an engaging quiet time with God, how to view life more positively and differently than most of the rest of the world, and how to forgive people who have hurt you deeply.


God’s Perfect Plan

No, I never got the six figure salary I had dreamed of, nor did I get into a prestigious college. However, I have been blessed with more than I could have ever dreamed. Through my church family and people at work, I have gained a strong support system. Also, I am still in touch with several people from my old church, who I still consider good friends, even though they live very far away from where I am now.  Through the tough situations I find myself in at work, God has used those to strengthen and shape my character into His.  Through church, I continue to train to be able to share the love and hope that I found in life through God and His gracious plans for me.  Yes, I still have bad days, but overall, I have found more joy and satisfaction during these past two years, than at any other time in my life. God has certainly blessed me with more than I could ever dream!

*=names have been changed for privacy reasons

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You Are Loved

written November 8, 2018

I wake up at around 4:15 am to go to work. After I ate my early breakfast, I went to my bedroom to spend time with God. I was having a difficult time praying because I was so upset at some of my life’s circumstances and certain people that were irritating me, that I failed to focus on God at that moment. I also felt that God was far away from me and that I was very much alone.  I thought something like this: “Why is life so difficult for me? Why do I always mess up time and time again? Why is my life the way it is?”

God, being merciful and loving, wrapped His arms around me and surrounded me with His caring presence. He said, “Don’t you believe that I love you? Remember that I am here for you always, no matter what your circumstance or how many people upset you. I have your back, and I will do the best for you!”  Immediately, I felt a sense of peace and joy at being loved by the Creator of the universe! The angry thoughts disappeared, and I was able to go back to my prayers and bible study.

Even if you don’t believe in God, know that there is someone out there who cares about you, and who wants the best for you.  Sometimes, it may seem like we are alone, but then a precious soul comes into our lives and adds value to us. This has happened to me many times in my life. Besides my loving and great God, I am blessed to know that there are kind people at church, work, and most of all, my family, who really do have the best for me, when it is all said and done.  One person in particular my mentor J, has always believed in me and wanted the best for me. 

Sometimes, we don’t yet know what precious souls will have the most positive impact in our lives. When I was in school, I did not know how to make lasting friendships with others, so I thought maybe the only people that would positively and dramatically impact my life was my family.  However, in the past ten years, many people have helped me see life in a new and more positive light. J pushed me to believe that I could accomplish things that I thought I may never be able to do, and I did!  My friends at work and the management team at my work helped me to learn new things and encouraged me and believed that I could make a positive difference at my job.  My friends Veronica*, Kelly* and Erica* believed that I could touch many people’s lives, as they believed I did in their lives.  Because they loved me enough to encourage me through the good—and the tough times–and with God’s help, I am able to be who I am today!

So, if you are feeling discouraged and are going through emotional or physical pain, know that sometime and somewhere, you will meet your precious soul or souls that will encourage and love you through life.  It may not be today or tomorrow, but if you don’t give up, they WILL come.  I have struggled with thoughts that maybe people don’t really love me, or they just want to be with me so they could “use” or “take advantage” of me somehow. If you are in an environment where people regularly take advantage of or abuse you and you have no supports, I would encourage you to a.) Get out of the abusive environment as soon as you are able to. B.) Seek out support today, whether it be a member of clergy or a therapist or counselor. It has taken me many years to get to a point where I have a good support system, but trust me they are so worth everything I have ever experienced in my life.  It has taken me a long time to believe that people love me for who I am again, but I am so blessed to have those people now in my life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything!

Believe that there are people that love you for you too, because no matter who you are, or what you have done, you are loved!